Look at these fucking Emailmovers morons. Is there really a market for this shit? There are people so utterly fucking clueless that in 2010 they will pay these clowns to dump spam on millions of completely irrelevant robotically harvested email addresses? They haven’t noticed that they could get the same pointless service from Russia for a fraction of the price? I mean, seriously, have I accidentally gone to 1998?
And really? That logo? Really? What the fuck was going through your professional in-house design team’s mind? “Wow, that’s great, guys, brilliant idea with the whole envelope thing, but you know what would make it really fucking awesome? Put a reflection on it.” Did a child do this? Did you ask your child to do this in Microsoft Paint?
How incompetent and out-of-touch does a marketing company have to be to think that advertising your “professional” email marketing services by spraying untargeted bulk unsolicited mail at random unscreened addresses twice a week for a month could possibly look good?
In today’s climate it pays to make the most of your marketing. That’s where we can help.
May I introduce our company, Emailmovers Limited. Our business is to help your business make more money through targeted email marketing. You’ll make more contacts and close more deals. It’s the first choice if you want to move into the fast lane.
Why Emailmovers?
Emailmovers is the only specialised business-to-business email marketing agency in the UK that… • Owns it’s own business email Data• Has it’s own in-house Design team • Owns it’s own Delivery mechanism We are also proud to be the developers and sole owners of a unique business lead generation and prospect nurturing tool. This cleanses and verifies its data in real-time and is the only one of its type in the world. View online demo (We will call you with a username and password)
Remember, our mission is to help you identify and exploit new opportunities in your chosen market. If email marketing is part of your marketing mix, we will make it perform a lot better. If you haven’t tried it, we will show you what you’re missing.
To take the next step, please call us on 0845 226 7181
To request a call-back drop an email at teamsales@emailmovers.comDownload Brochure | Contact Us | About UsFollow us:Emailmovers Ltd, Pindar House, Thornburgh Road, Scarborough, North Yorkshire, YO11 3UY
Guys, I have a new course that you might like to attend. It’s called “how to effectively ensure that your bullshit press release embargo is not broken”. It will cover the following areas:
Don’t make up some bullshit embargo that is totally irrelevant to the boring announcement that you’re trying to make people write about — unless you consider people taking the piss out of it to be good publicity.
Don’t desperately spam your PR to every random irrelevant robot scraped email address in the world. Spam sometimes pisses people off, and they might in turn make fun of your spam in public. Some of them might even do so before your bullshit embargo date.
This one day course will cost a bargain £250 per person. FREE BONUS: attendees will also receive a free seminar entitled “how to copy your manager’s email signature without linking your twitter name to her account.”
————— Forwarded message ————— From: Rebecca Pain<RPain@thebluedoor.com> Date: Wed, Oct 13, 2010 at 1:30 PM Subject: Launch of new app for organisation and secure sharing To: me
Dear Joe
A revolutionary new application, DAD (www.dadapp.com),which allowssuperior organisation of photos, music, contacts and documents on one platform, private and secure sharing, and great opportunities for appdevelopment, has arrived.
DAD, the app to tackle digital disorganisation, will open up a mass of opportunities for tech-lovers and late adopters alike. Affordable and easy to use, DAD could be life-changing for many, both in terms of enabling them to be more organised if they have ‘stuff’across multiple folders or devices, and allowing greater enjoyment of their photos, music and other ‘stuff’. It is also a superb tool for developers, saving them time and expense by automatically making data development-ready.
For a quick road-test, we’d suggest asking DAD to index one of your folders and then experiment from there. All the information is below and please do contact us if you have any questions, require images, or would like an interview with Julian Ranger, the brains behind this pivotal development. Our number is 01252 899969.
Kind regards,
*UNDER EMBARGO UNTIL 00.01hrs, 14 OCTOBER 2010*
New application organises and frees all your digital data and allows easy, private sharing, all on one platform
Photos, music, contacts and documents can be indexed and shared
Computer networking without the risks to privacy
*UNDER EMBARGO UNTIL 00.01hrs, 14 OCTOBER 2010*
Surrey, UK, October 2010 DAD Solutions Limited has today launched DAD, a new software application designed to address the 21st century challenge of digital disorganisation. For the first time, users will be able to organise, store, reuse, share and manage their digital assets easily and securely from a single platform, creating a much-improved user experience and home or remote network. The new solution is available immediately at a price of £2.49 per month for up to 4 computers.
With the amount of digital data increasing tenfold every five years[1] and the rising popularity of social networking sites, keeping control of digital data is fast becoming a major hurdle. People are thus presented with the challenge of accessing, collating, reusing, sharing and storing images, music, documents and contact details on- and off-line.
The DAD application is an indexing system that is held on a user’s PC with an easy-to-use user interface. It can translate most metadata formats, enabling images, music, contact details, content from social networking sites and document files to be stored in a single DAD index. This index can then be used to organise, manage, share, connect and reuse all digital data simply and securely. The new software also enriches a user’s digital assets by cross referencing different types of data so that photos and contacts, for example, can be linked together. This helps to automate repetitive sharing tasks such as collating a family photo album from all members of a family.
DAD includes an open API designed for use by third party developers who wish to leverage the universal DAD index. Through 3rd party add-ons, DAD users will be able to pull together photos and other material relevant to them that they or their nominated friends and family have put onto social networking sites, even if they are located elsewhere and their PCs are not networked together.
Julian Ranger, founder and CEO of DAD comments: “There is a huge market opportunity for DAD. In the UK alone, there are 16 million adults aged over 15 who live in households with two or more PCs. Add to this the growing popularity of social networking sites and the potential reach for our new product becomes clear.”
Julian Ranger continues: “From busy parents through to silver surfers and students, everyone can take advantage of DAD – it is the ultimate fix-it for digital overload. DAD promises to be as revolutionary to digital organisation as the Dewey Decimal System was to libraries. We’re really excited about today’s launch and to be tackling what is becoming the number one digital dilemma of the 21st century.”
DAD is available immediately for an initial free month trial, but then will cost from as little as £2.49 per month for up to 4 computers. A free ‘lite’ version is also available, offering core functionality. DAD can be purchased and downloaded directly from the DAD website: http://www.dadapp.com
A Mac-compatible version of DAD will be available by the end of 2010.
The DAD application can be downloaded at www.DADapp.com onto your PC and gets to work straight away on your digital ‘stuff’, finding and storing all kinds of images, music, contact details, content from social networking sites and document files in a single DAD index. This index can be shared easily and securely with other DAD licence holders. Three other licences are included with every copy of DAD.
The standard DAD package will include the following functions:
- Rich media index (which is extensible and allows cross-referencing)
- Smart search (using metadata and user created tags/data)
- Photo viewer and organiser
- Local network discovery and User to User connections
- Private, secure Index and/or File sharing (manual or automatic with user created rules)
- Three additional user licences for friends and family members of your choice
Julian Ranger, Founder and CEO of DAD,has been an angel investor since 2007 and an entrepreneur since he formed his first business – STASYS. Julian grew STASYS to a £17m+ business with 230 staff with subsidiaries in the US, Australia and Germany before selling it to Lockheed Martin in 2005. Today, Julian heads up an innovation hub called iBundle (www.ibundle.co.uk) where he invites start-up entrepreneurs who are looking for backing and advice to contact him.
Please note I am not in the office on Fridays, but will pick up messages. If you require urgent assistance, do call thebluedoor office. Thanks.
thebluedoor is the sponsor of Digital Surrey, a community for like-minded people wanting to stay up to date with the ever changing digital landscape and meet up, network, learn and share. For more information or to register as a member please visit www.digitalsurrey.co.uk <http://www.digitalsurrey.co.uk/> .
This message is private and confidential. If you have received this message in error, please notify us and remove the message and any attachments from your system. Any views or opinions presented are the author’s and do not necessarily represent those of thebluedoor ltd. Attachments to this e-mail have been checked for viruses, but please rely on your own virus checking procedures. Registered office: B1 Endeavour Place, Coxbridge Business Park, Farnham, Surrey, GU10 5EH. Registration number 6557458. Registered in England.
Yesterday I forwarded an email from a Fiona Hudson-Kelly advertising her bollocks email marketing training course. It’s actually the third piece of spam I’ve received from this particular clown: they’ve been coming at weekly intervals for three weeks now. She’s certainly pretty desperate to get me on her courses.
I took another look at the previous emails I had received from her — all advertising the same thing. Like the one posted yesterday, they are all addressed to “Hello There”, but they’re not all impersonal: the first email was tailored specifically to me and my clients: when informing me that I can now send out emails and actually track who opens them (no, really?), it named (albeit incorrectly capitalised) my own specific website. Well, almost. It named the website for an old Internet Relay Chat network that I briefly helped run when I was a teenager. It wasn’t mine, though it’s likely that I was one of several contacts on the site, and it’s possible that I was a contact on the domain name registration. Anyway, I can’t have used it more recently than 2003; the network moved on, and the domain name must have expired at least five years ago.
Even if the site had not closed half a decade ago, an unincorporated internet relay chat network frequented by half a dozen wannabe hackers and writers is not going to be interested in a £500 marketing training course in the east midlands.
By which I mean to say that Fiona Hudson-Kelly wouldn’t be able to spot a professionally managed email marketing campaign if it walked up to her and shouted “I’m a professionally fucking managed email marketing campaign” at her weird botox paralysed face. If the email marketing campaigns that Fiona Hudson-Kelly is teaching small businesses to use are anything like her own, then she is teaching companies to spam thousands of random people; people who could not possibly be any less relevant. Follow her example if you want to send unsolicited junk mail to anybody and everybody whose data was robotically harvested over half a decade ago, and is almost certainly out of date. Chances are, none of this spam will hit a relevant target — but there’s a good chance that you’ll piss off thousands of people in the process.
Everything about Fiona Hudson-Kelly’s online presence says “social media clown”: her robotic twitter feed, desperately trying to force sociality — the endless vacuous questions; are you enjoying Google Buzz (what the fuck, who uses Google Buzz?). Her absurd “Wordpress Blogg” (sic) that has been set up to syndicate twitter items and just looks awful for it. Her long list of worthless PR awards on LinkedIn. And most of all, that great grinning clown face all over her own website. This is somebody who has read a few buzzwords, doesn’t really have a clue what they mean, but has managed to set herself up with a twitter feed and a Wordpress account, and is taking money from gullible small businesses anyway. She probably even genuinely believes that she is an online marketing expert — after all, it’s notoriously difficult to spot one’s own incompetence, especially when stuck in an echo chamber of social media PR wank.
I’m being mean. This was just another incompetent small town business person who ran just another spam campaign. I should have hit the “report spam” button and moved on. I certainly shouldn’t get so personal about it.
Except that the most prominent thing of all about Fiona Hudson-Kelly’s online presence is not the mediocre twitter feed, the ludicrous Wordpress, the embarrassing LinkedIn or the frightening studio photographs. It’s the words training grant. (Indeed, the page of her website that explains the training grant is so extensively linked from her other sites that it is one of the top Google results for “Business Link training grant” — give her a SEO Expert award!)
Business Link is a government quango whose purpose, so far as I can tell, is to run a website full of advice for businesses, and to administer business grants like Train To Gain for HMRC, BIS, the EU, and the regional development agencies. They were recently criticised for spending £105 million on a bland website that looks like it cost a fraction of one percent of that cost.
It seems that Business Link / Train to Gain offer a grant of up to £1000 to the directors and senior management of small companies (5-249 employees). £500 of that is available with no strings attached; the rest is available if the business matches the funding. It can be no coincidence that there are dozens of management consultants and social media clowns offering courses for exactly £500 per person — including our own professional spammer. This way, businessmen can have a day out of the office with lunch included, and no expense to have to justify to the company. Consultants, marketing clowns, and other parasites are living very comfortable lives taking government money to tell company directors that they should have a Facebook page, without even a threat that companies might want their misspent money back.
If Fiona Hudson-Kelly and her fellow social media clowns were simply taking the money of gullible small provincial engineering and catering firms, I wouldn’t care. I’d have hit the “Report spam” button and moved on. But she’s not. She’s taking our money. Right now we are being asked to chose between our local libraries closing down or our rubbish not getting collected. The £15m Film Council has been abolished, and my borough have stopped sweeping the streets. We’ve been told to tighten our belts, while small company directors and social media clowns are still investing our money in free lunches and BMWs.
Aside:
It can be no coincidence that Fiona Hudson-Kelly’s LinkedIn states that she was once in human resources. Once upon a time, human resources were the little administrative part of a company or organisation who dealt with the boring recruitment forms and employment law compliance. Then at some point human resources grew and turned malignant, thinking that their area of expertise also included guiding staff development and booking training courses. And a thus a whole parasitic industry of management consultants and marketing clowns grew to take advantage of their naivety.
Follow these five easy steps to a professionally managed email marketing campaign that will guarantee you impressive results.
Harvest a list of totally random email addresses from the internet. If you prefer, there are a number of professional spamming companies you can pay for a ready compiled list of random irrelevant email addresses. Who cares what group of people are actually receiving your spam? The important thing is that your company, event or product can only benefit hugely from being shoved in the faces of thousands of people who haven’t the slightest interest in it.
Make sure you send your email from your BT Internet email address, and instruct people to email you at BT Internet in several prominent places. Nothing says “professional” like the email address you got free from your ISP eight years ago.
Address your email to “Hello There”. Statistics show that on average five recipients of your email will actually be called “Hello There”. They are guaranteed to want to buy your product/event/company.
Don’t use some boring old cliché clip-art like an envelope. Use hip and trendy graphics like a hover envelope with round corners and shadows. This is the future, you guys.
At the bottom, add some legal bollocks like what you’ve seen in real companies’ emails. Something like “the recipient may not disclose this message or any attachment to anyone else without authorisation. Unauthorised use, copying or disclosure may be unlawful.” If you do not include this rubbish, you may find people openly take the piss out of your incompetence on the internets.
Fiona Hudson-Kelly has followed all of these in her professional spam campaign plugging her free courses on how to be a professional spammer like her. Why not go along to one? I look forward to receiving your professionally managed spam at the end of it, and will make a point of highlighting it here, so everybody can see how well you’ve done.
Edited to add: a quick look at Fiona Hudson-Kelley’s Google results suggests that she is making her money by peddling this bollocks to small companies who will pay for it with their £1000 Training Grant — a scheme run by Business Link, a government quango. It looks like we’ve found another bit of waste we can happily cut.
————— Forwarded message ————— From: Fiona Hudson-Kelly<info@email.fionahudsonkelly.com> Date: Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 10:31 AM Subject: How to use E-Mail Marketing Events 4:45pm – 6:00 pm : NO COST To: an email address I don’t use or advertise
Hello There,
Fiona invites you to join her at a free e-mail marketing evening to learn about how e-mail marketing could help your business.
Fiona will show you how to create great looking e-mails you can send to both existing and potential clients then watch as they are opened and see who clicks through to your web site.
A really simple marketing tool at very little cost with impressive results if managed professionally.
Events taking place in:-
Birmingham 10th September - Birmingham Aston Science Park, Faraday Wharf, Holt Street, B7 4BB
Manchester 2nd September - Manchester Conference Centre, Weston Building, Sackville Street, M1 3BB
Oxford 26th August - Hawkwell Hotel, Church Way, Iffley Village, OX4 4DZ
Sheffield 31st August - Sheffield Park Hotel, Chesterfield Road South, S8 8BW
Durham 1st September - City West Conference Centre, St. John’s Road, Meadowfield, DH7 8ER
Reading 3rd September - Best Western Calcot Hotel, Calcot, 98 Bath Road, RG31 7QN
Cambridge 7th September - Holiday Inn Lake View, Bridge Road, Impington, CB24 9PH
Light refreshments available on arrival from 4:30 pm
Simply reply to fionahudsonkelly@btconnect.com with your preferred choice of venue and we will confirm your reservation. Places limited to 10 per location and we can only accept 1 person from each company. Reservations allocated on a first come basis.
This e-mail and any attachment is intended for the named addressee(s) only, or person authorised to receive it on their behalf. The content may be privileged and should be treated as confidential and the recipient may not disclose this message or any attachment to anyone else without authorisation. Unauthorised use, copying or disclosure may be unlawful. If this transmission is received in error please notify the sender immediately and delete this message from your e-mail system.. All electronic transmissions to and from Fiona Hudson-Kelly are recorded, may be monitored and are scanned for viruses and content. E-mails containing viruses will be deleted without notification. Whilst we maintain virus checks on inbound e-mails we accept no liability for viruses or other material introduced with this message.
Registered Office: Fosse Cottage Farm, Street Ashton, Warwickshire, CV23 0PL. Follow us on Twitter at fhudsonkelly..
And his social media clown academy. Look at his lovely personalised malformatted email with the stretched table, and the “unsubscribe from the list that you didn’t subscribe to” button, and the links to “http://emailmarketer/”. Oh hey, looks like I don’t have those websites on my computer. Perhaps you could resend them as a Word attachment or something?
And hey look at this guy’s expert academy website. The one with the friendly welcome message that informs you that, “you see this page because you have set up your Web server for serving a new site, but have not uploaded the site content yet.” That’s it. The one with the Server Control Panel for Dummies installation screen still showing. You know, the one that so helpfully presents me with a feed of the latest articles on BBC News, and a helpful link that promises to give me “1 Rule to a Sexy Stomach”. Oooooh, yeah. Thanks. Because my unsexy digestive system was proving a real turn off.
For just £295 (plus VAT), this social media clown will teach you all you need to know about the social media landscape: how to send effective personalised unsolicited bulk emails, and how to build a winning website that will get everyone excited about your sexy stomach rules. Bargain.
————— Forwarded message ————— From: James Fell Date: Tue, Apr 13, 2010 at 11:44 AM Subject: Maximising the use of Social Media in Journalism To: Joe
Hi Joe,
I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch, we are hosting an event in Central London in May which I thought could be of interest to you, or some of your team members.
On the 10th May 2010, The Social Media Academy will be hosting a one day training course at BSG House entitled “Maximising the use of Social Media in Journalism”.
The session will explore the important role social media can today play as a primary source of information. Tried-and-tested techniques will be outlined for tracking events as they happen online – offering journalists a far wider range of opinion and access to a whole range of voices.
Insight and guidance will also be provided on using social media to distribute content effectively. Increasing readership figures and raising credibility as the audience itself becomes empowered to recommend and relay news and features.
Focus Areas Include:
A full overview of the various types of social media platforms
Detailed analysis of the social media landscape - across blogs, Twitter, forums, podcasts and social networks
Insight into the most up-to-date social media trends and developments
Social media as a primary information source:
How to monitor events online
Analysis of the paid-for and free monitoring tools available on the market today
How to minimise time required to monitor online conversations
Early flagging of stories as they break
How to assign levels of importance to comment sources
How to gauge relative levels of influence
How to use social media to distribute content
Twitter as a journalist tool:
Establishing a presence
Active engagement with follower base
How to priorities comments and messages for response
Twitter culture & code of ethics
The training day costs £295 + VAT, however, there is an Early Bird Discount of 15% off if you book before the 30th April 2010. There are limited places available and seats are booked on a first-come-first-served basis.
Call: 0845 226 7181
Business Email | Data | Design | Delivery | Appending The marketing fast lane 
Emailmovers Ltd, Pindar House, Thornburgh Road, Scarborough, North Yorkshire, YO11 3UY
