Follow these five easy steps to a professionally managed email marketing campaign that will guarantee you impressive results.
- Harvest a list of totally random email addresses from the internet. If you prefer, there are a number of professional spamming companies you can pay for a ready compiled list of random irrelevant email addresses. Who cares what group of people are actually receiving your spam? The important thing is that your company, event or product can only benefit hugely from being shoved in the faces of thousands of people who haven’t the slightest interest in it.
- Make sure you send your email from your BT Internet email address, and instruct people to email you at BT Internet in several prominent places. Nothing says “professional” like the email address you got free from your ISP eight years ago.
- Address your email to “Hello There”. Statistics show that on average five recipients of your email will actually be called “Hello There”. They are guaranteed to want to buy your product/event/company.
- Don’t use some boring old cliché clip-art like an envelope. Use hip and trendy graphics like a hover envelope with round corners and shadows. This is the future, you guys.
- At the bottom, add some legal bollocks like what you’ve seen in real companies’ emails. Something like “the recipient may not disclose this message or any attachment to anyone else without authorisation. Unauthorised use, copying or disclosure may be unlawful.” If you do not include this rubbish, you may find people openly take the piss out of your incompetence on the internets.
Fiona Hudson-Kelly has followed all of these in her professional spam campaign plugging her free courses on how to be a professional spammer like her. Why not go along to one? I look forward to receiving your professionally managed spam at the end of it, and will make a point of highlighting it here, so everybody can see how well you’ve done.
Edited to add: a quick look at Fiona Hudson-Kelley’s Google results suggests that she is making her money by peddling this bollocks to small companies who will pay for it with their £1000 Training Grant — a scheme run by Business Link, a government quango. It looks like we’ve found another bit of waste we can happily cut.
————— Forwarded message —————
From: Fiona Hudson-Kelly <info@email.fionahudsonkelly.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 10:31 AM
Subject: How to use E-Mail Marketing Events 4:45pm – 6:00 pm : NO COST
To: an email address I don’t use or advertise
Hello There,
Fiona invites you to join her at a free e-mail marketing evening to learn about how e-mail marketing could help your business.
Fiona will show you how to create great looking e-mails you can send to both existing and potential clients then watch as they are opened and see who clicks through to your web site.
A really simple marketing tool at very little cost with impressive results if managed professionally.
Events taking place in:-
Birmingham 10th September - Birmingham Aston Science Park,
Faraday Wharf, Holt Street, B7 4BB
Bristol 6th September - Meeting Venues Bristol, Castlemead
House, Lower Castle Street, BS1 3AG
Manchester 2nd September - Manchester Conference Centre, Weston
Building, Sackville Street, M1 3BB
Oxford 26th August - Hawkwell Hotel, Church Way, Iffley
Village, OX4 4DZ
Sheffield 31st August - Sheffield Park Hotel, Chesterfield Road
South, S8 8BW
Durham 1st September - City West Conference Centre, St. John’s
Road, Meadowfield, DH7 8ER
Reading 3rd September - Best Western Calcot Hotel, Calcot,
98 Bath Road, RG31 7QN
Cambridge 7th September - Holiday Inn Lake View, Bridge Road,
Impington, CB24 9PH
Light refreshments available on arrival from 4:30 pm
Simply reply to fionahudsonkelly@btconnect.com with your preferred choice of venue and we will confirm your reservation. Places limited to 10 per location and we can only accept 1 person from each company. Reservations allocated on a first come basis.
Fiona Hudson-Kelly
0845 460 4440
fionahudsonkelly@btconnect.com
www.FionaHudsonKelly.com
This e-mail and any attachment is intended for the named addressee(s) only, or person authorised to receive it on their behalf. The content may be privileged and should be treated as confidential and the recipient may not disclose this message or any attachment to anyone else without authorisation. Unauthorised use, copying or disclosure may be unlawful. If this transmission is received in error please notify the sender immediately and delete this message from your e-mail system.. All electronic transmissions to and from Fiona Hudson-Kelly are recorded, may be monitored and are scanned for viruses and content. E-mails containing viruses will be deleted without notification. Whilst we maintain virus checks on inbound e-mails we accept no liability for viruses or other material introduced with this message.
Registered Office: Fosse Cottage Farm, Street Ashton, Warwickshire, CV23 0PL. Follow us on Twitter at fhudsonkelly..
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